Jan/11/2012

I’m signed up now for two business college classes. It’s been really nice to get back into the swing of things when it comes to school. One thing that I’d almost forgotten is how I tend to drift off in class without even realizing it. One minute the teacher will be talking about income statements and equity, and my mind runs off to, “Gee, it would be really cool if I could write some statements for Cody’s company. It would be really good practice for me, and I think it would help him visualize what he’s actually getting done…” It just rolls on from there and before I know it, I come back to reality and realize I just missed about a paragraph of whatever the teacher was talking about. I have real attention and memory issues, but ADD medication doesn’t do anything good for me. (Something I learned the hard way my sophomore year of University) I tend to be one of those people that doesn’t pick up on things quickly unless it’s something art related. It probably doesn’t help that I’m entirely not interested in most things besides sleeping.

The weird thing is I love being asleep, and going back to sleep when I’m already half asleep; but I hate trying to transition myself into the sleep state from full consciousness. Being a control freak, it’s hard for me to just “let go” and let myself fall asleep. Also, my anxiety takes me to dark places like, “what if I never wake up?”

One thing I always notice when I have a reason to leave the house, and not bring Cody with me, is that when I’m gone, Cody always is especially productive. He’s generally a productive person when I’m around, but I know I present a definite distraction. For that reason, I feel like me going back to school is also good for him. I’m really looking forward to the day when Cody and I are taking classes at the same time.

More than ever, Cody has been actively looking for a regular job on top of the graphic design/video/photography/music work that he does. It makes me feel really good that Cody wants to take on more responsibility and take care of me while I’m in school, so that I can just concentrate on school alone. Our plan is after I finish college and get a job with my degree, that he will then go to school too.

We’ve also joked around about him being the “stay at home dad”. Honestly, I think I’d be down for that, as long as he learns how to cook!

It feels really special that I found someone willing to put themselves out there for me that way. It really shows that Cody is thinking long term with our relationship and…that’s kinda awesome.

 I want to makes lot of babies nao pls.

I’m super proud of Cody and Tim for deciding to go back to school!

I know Cody really wants to take some classes in Law, with the eventual goal of going to law school. I’ll do whatever it takes to help him, I really think he’d be good at that.

Eating Marshmallows

Late bloomer; I believe that is what they call people like me.

In high school, the most rebellious thing I did was cut my hair and dye it black. I didn’t drink, I didn’t party; I didn’t really do shit other than the bare minimum in school, read comic books a lot, and painted sometimes.

Now that I think about it, any attempt that I actually put forth at being rebellious in my teenage years, was really fucking lame. I see kids these days in high school, and they act way more rebellious and fun than I was. The most rebellious thing I’ve ever done is drop out of college, right before I was about to finish.

From my point of view, I was a really good kid, and looking back on it now, maybe I shouldn’t have been. Maybe I would’ve been less miserable if I had more fun in being purposefully rebellious. Being twenty-four, almost twenty-five, and still feeling that I haven’t been rebellious enough, is grating on me. The quarter life crisis seems to be settling in and I’m not sure what to do about it. Dipping my toes into the water of rebellion isn’t good enough for me anymore, but I’m not sure what I want to do, but I know I need to do something.

Should I chop all my hair off and bleach it blonde? Should I get my first tattoo? Maybe if I got a new wardrobe of clothes that were an entirely different style, I’d feel more rebellious. Maybe if I got married in Vegas by Elvis, or got pregnant out of wedlock would make me feel more ALT. Maybe I should just stick with the old reliable; get a red corvette, and a hot girlfriend with huge fake tits.

The more that I think about it, living in the Midwest is really a handicap to my happiness. Mainly because being liberal, or happy even, isn’t really encouraged here. So the environment I’m in might have something to do with how I feel. Maybe moving somewhere more inspiring would re-ignite my spirit?

Should I move to Colorado, Washington, California, NYC, or Miami? I don’t want to just move somewhere on a whim though, I want to experience an entirely new reality from the one I’ve known my entire life. The life I have now is very pleasant and comfortable, and that’s great. I really appreciate the spot I’m at in life, I really do. I don’t want you thinking I’m not grateful for running water, electricity, and a roof over my head. I just want new experiences. I want more than my whoszits and whatzizts galore, like Ariel.

Speaking of new experiences, I recently gained an appreciation for mini marshmallows. When I was younger, I was never interested in them. I thought they were an abomination of food. “Little sugar puffs,” I thought curiously, “what is the nutritional value in that? They don’t even taste like anything.” I never understood their worth aside from throwing them at people.

After I’d gotten an idea for a photo-shoot, burning down a village of marshmallow houses and buildings, I was once again introduced to the illustrious marshmallow. As I was sticking the toothpicks in them I felt them in my hands. They are soft, squishy, and made of sugar. How could I not like eating something so perfect in theory? I got up my nerve and put one in my mouth, chewing slowly. Then I put another one in my mouth to make sure I liked it still. It was like eating sweet puffs of cloud, an entirely new mouth sensation for me, and now I’m hooked. Mini marshmallows are now my snack of choice. I guess the silver lining about this is that refusing to do one thing in my younger years has saved me something new to enjoy now.

So yeah, I am a late bloomer; but I’m hoping that it’s for a good reason, that I’ll find out eventually.  

Me with blonde hair again

I used to have long blonde hair. 

Who the fuck are you…

Who are you….to me….